I could feel the anger rising within me. I was trying very hard to keep my mouth closed, to stop spewing out those angry, constrained words that were slowly rising from the pit of my stomach, trying desperately to escape out into the open. But it was too late. I let him have it: the full barrel of words fired angrily at my husband. He didn't know what hit him. He just looked at me, expressionless. The expression on my husband's face made me realize that the words hurt deeply. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It was too late, and I felt terrible.
I have been extremely frustrated lately. I found myself repeating things over and over, but the things that I had said to my husband just do not seem to register in his brain. He does the same things over and over again.
My husband suffered a stroke last year, during his carotid artery surgery. It has been eight months since the incident. When I asked the doctor about the time that it would take for healing, he said that he could recover in six months' time or longer, or that my husband would stay the way he is and never fully recover. I was trying very hard to "let things go" and just clean up after him, but built-up emotions eventually escape. I kept saying to myself that this is the new Kurt and that I just have to accept him the way he is at this point in time; after all, it's not his fault, it's what happened to him during the surgery and that I should be grateful that God spared his life. Yet, it happened again.
Romans 7:14-15 – For we know that the Law is spiritual; but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. (NASB)
Romans 7:23-25 – But I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. (NASB)
At one point or another, we will all say things that we shouldn't. And yet, God is with us, holding out His hand to forgive us over and over again. God knows our struggles and pain. He is waiting for you and me to talk with Him and share our deepest regrets and sorrows.
Prayer: Dear Jesus, You know our failures and our regrets even before they happen. Thank You that You are patiently waiting for us to return to You and to ask for Your help. Amen.